


The Little Black Dog

by RealDaveofDaves



Series: The Maze of Moments - A Clay and Justin Story [3]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Caretaker Justin, Depression, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Justin, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 16:41:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15667155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RealDaveofDaves/pseuds/RealDaveofDaves
Summary: In which Clay has an episode of PTSD related depression...





	The Little Black Dog

**Author's Note:**

> Story takes place at an undefined time within A Maze of Moments Book One, after Prom and during the summer months. Slight spoilers as it pertains to the Jensen boys.
> 
> Warning for a depressive episode.

_The beast in me_  
_Is caged by frail and fragile bars_  
_Restless by day and by night_  
_Rants and rages at the stars_  
_God help the beast in me_

 

There were good days and bad; mostly good, to be true, but the bad ones were there, nonetheless. After all, no one said it was going to be easy, dealing with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and all of its associated bullshit. The general anxiety disorder was already there lurking in the background, and now mild bouts of depression had crept in like shadows on a wall. The good news was that he was getting treatment, staying on medication, and even doing some preventive things like running on an almost daily basis. These things, coupled with a girlfriend whom he truly loved, a new brother (who, admittedly, could be a pain in the ass at times, but he was a well meaning and caring shithead, so there was that...), parents and a great circle of friends, meant there was an amazing support system to rely on and fall back towards when need be.

And yet....

On those bad days, fewer in number though they might be, there was a lot of that associated bullshit to put up with.

Sleeplessness, due to a nightmare, or simply because. Shaking hands. Being easily startled. Feeling on edge. Sadness - and not a normal kind, but an almost inescapable blackness that could envelope like a thick, oversized blanket.

It was the depression that was the most difficult to deal with. Winston Churchill called this his bouts of melancholy, or a visit from his little black dog. Just like the former Prime Minister, when the little black dog came around, it was difficult to shoo away, just like any unwanted stray might be.

Today was one of those days.

 

**********

 

_It's time to get up._

Yeah. No. I don't want to.

_You can't stay in bed all day, you know._

Oh? And why not?

_Because a) it's summer and a gorgeous day, and, b) if you do, you know Justin or mom and dad is just going to worry about you._

So? Let them worry.

_Now, is that really fair to them? The way they take care of you and watch out for you? Especially Justin?_

......no.

_Okay then. Time to get up._

I still don't want to.

_You're being a stubborn ass this morning. C'mon, get up. Text Sheri._

Sheri is out of town this week visiting her grandparents.

_So? Doesn't mean you can't text her, does it?_

Guess not.

_See?_

I hate when you do that.

_Do what?_

Have to be right about something.

_You're just feeling down today is all. The doctor said this was going to happen. And it's not the first time._

Fuck Keyworth, what does he know.

_A lot._

So?

_Has he been wrong about something yet?_

......no. But I still hate when you do that.

_You're not making this easy._

You're the one that's all fucked up. Stupid brain.

_Whoa there, cowboy. It's not like I wanted to be fucked up, you know._

Oh, so this is my fault, is it?

_Not entirely._

And what's that supposed to mean?

_You didn't ask for two friends to die, a third almost die, a fourth almost shoot up everyone, or to get the shit beaten out of you. But...._

But, what?

_I mean....you did sort of put yourself in a lot of those situations by choice, you know._

SHUT UP!

_It's true._

You're an asshole.

_I'm your psyche. If I'm an asshole, then that means you're an asshole, too._

I...I am not.

_........_

Am I?

_You have your moments._

Thanks.

_Hey, just saying._

It's going to be one of those days, isn't it?

_Yep. Sure looks that way. Sorry, man._

Great.

 

**********

 

Sighing, and with virtually every ounce of energy he could muster, which considering it was just past eight this morning should have been plenty, Clay pushed the sheets off of him and sat up in bed. The absence of Justin indicated that his adopted brother was already awake and either in the bathroom or downstairs eating and probably watching cartoons. Judging from the lack of conversation drifting up the stairs, his parents had already left for the day - Lainie to court, Matt to teach a summer class. Sighing again, he sat back against the wall and pulled his legs up and wrapped his arms around them, resting his forehead on his knees.

The little black dog had come for a visit.

This was how Justin found him half an hour later, walking into Clay's room while eating his second bowl of cereal of the morning.

 _Uh oh,_ he thought to himself while crunching his Frosted Flakes, a little dribble of milk on his lips. Putting the bowl down on the desk, careful not to spill anything on a nearby stack of comic books, and wiping his mouth, he joined Clay on the bed slowly, sitting next to him.

"Hi," he said softly, while just as gently placing a hand on Clay's hunched over back and rubbing up and down. "What's wrong? Wanna talk about it?"

Clay shrugged his shoulders.

"That's okay....you don't have to if you don't want to. But you know it makes you feel better when you do."

Clay nodded without lifting his head.

"You hungry? Want me to bring you something to eat?"

Clay shook his head negatively.

"Okay. Do you want to be alone for awhile?"

Clay shook his head negatively again, then adjusted himself so he was half-laying on Justin, head on his chest and arm wrapped around his waist. He exhaled another big sigh and a single tear escaped down his right cheek. "This sucks," he said, his voice breaking a little. "This doesn't feel good."

"I know," Justin replied, pulling him in closer and hugging him. "I wish I could make it go away. Hey....I have the day off and I know you do, too. Want to go do something? Maybe it'll make you feel a little better."

"Like what?"

"I dunno....but why don't we get out of the house for a little while. Maybe see if some of the Gang is free?"

"Can it just be you and me?"

"Sure, we can do that. How about you grab a shower and get dressed....and you should eat something, Clay."

"In a couple of minutes," he said, almost burrowing in to Justin's side, and crying a little.

"Okay....shhhhhh, it's okay...."

 

**********

 

 _The beast in me_  
_Has had to learn to live with pain_  
_And how to shelter from the rain_  
_And in the twinkling of an eye_  
_Might have to be restrained_  
_God help the beast in me_

 

Just before noon, they found themselves at the harbor, looking out on the clear and calm water, watching an occasional boat sail by or a ship under the long bridge. 

As Justin had asked, Clay had managed to get himself up and out of bed - after another twenty minutes - and had even made his way through most of a bowl of cereal. Then, it was a quick stop at Monet's, where Justin had gone in and gotten them a couple of coffees to go, and an aimless drive around town. Finally, they were at the harbor.

"It's really cool out here, ya know? Like watching all that sail by or whatever," Justin said.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Have you ever been on a boat?"

"No," Clay answered, drinking the last of his coffee.

"Me neither. I wonder if..."

"Do you think I do shit to myself on purpose?" Clay interrupted, looking down at his now empty paper cup.

"What?" Justin turned away from his view of the water to look at his brother, who was now staring straight ahead as a ship went past.

"You heard me. Do you think I put myself in bad situations on purpose? Do I want to be all fucked up?"

"I....no, Clay. Why would you ask that?"

"Think about it. I'm the one who finds Jeff. I did all that shit because of Hannah's tapes. I got the crap beaten out of me by Bryce, I pretty much forced you and Jess to testify, I almost got shot, I got my head knocked around by Monty, I sliced up my hand at home by punching the mirror....am I doing this on purpose?"

"Clay...no, I...I think you found yourself in a lot of that because you're, like, a really good person and you want to help...."

"Yeah? And Hannah is still dead, so is Jeff, and Tyler is locked away...."

"...and Monty is in jail and Bryce is pretty much being watched twenty-four seven. Bro...none of the bad shit is your fault. Think of all the good stuff you've done. Hey, you pretty much saved my life, ya know."

Clay nodded and looked down at the ground. "Yeah, I know. And I'm glad I did, bro, I really am. But...I dunno. I was just thinking this morning. Maybe if I hadn't of done all of that....I wouldn't be so fucked up right now."

"Clay," Justin put his arm around Clay's shoulders, "look. None of the bad stuff is your fault. It isn't. And you can't let any of that make you think that you're a bad person or whatever. You're not, you're the best person I know...and I'm not saying that because I'm your brother, it's the fucking truth. And if you don't believe me, ask Sheri or any of our friends and they'd tell you the same thing."

Clay sighed and bent down to pick up a stone. "I guess," he said as he chucked it into the water and watched the ripples. "I dunno. I just feel like somehow I did all this to myself."

"Hey...you won't always feel like this. You know?"

"Yeah."

Justin thought for a moment. "Did you want to go anywhere else? Or, do something else?"

"Can...we go run? I know we usually do before dinner, but..."

"Yeah, okay...that's a great idea. We can do that and then get a late lunch."

"Okay," Clay said, turning to go back to the car. As they walked back, Justin pulled out his phone and made as if he was getting a call.

"Hey...this is Jess...lemme take this real quick, meet you at the car?"

"Sure."

As Clay walked ahead, Justin waited until he was a safe distance before scrolling through his contact list. Finding the right one, he saw that Clay was now leaning up against the Prius and had taken out his own phone and was texting, meaning he could make his call. The phone on the other end rang twice before picking up.

"Stanley Keyworth."

"Hey, Dr. Keyworth....this is Justin Jensen, Clay's brother."

"Hello, Justin! Good to hear from you. Congratulations on the adoption being finalized. Your dad told me all about it."

"Thanks...actually I'm Justin Foley-Jensen, but that's almost too much of a mouthful to spit out," he laughed.

"Just a little. What can I do for you?"

"Umm. So...Clay. He's having a rough day today, like the depression. Y'know?"

"Ah. I see. Now, you know he's going to have bouts of this. How bad is it, is he expressing any ideation of self-harm?"

"No, no...nothing like that. He's just...like, really down, and kind of questioning why bad stuff has happened to him and all, and if it's his fault. Is there....like, what should I be doing?"

"Okay. Well, he has his regular appointment tomorrow, so he and I can talk about this some. As for the here and now...just keep listening to him if he wants to talk, let him vent if he needs to. Be encouraging, but don't judge, what he's feeling is very real to him. Maybe try and do some kind of activity together today."

"He wants to go for a run."

"Okay, good. That's good. The fact that he's willing to do so is a good sign. Justin, I know this can be frustrating and he doesn't seem like himself, but please believe me when I tell you that Clay _is_ getting better. It's slow, I get that...but remember, it's a process, not a program. So, there's going to be some rough days here and there, and this might be one of them. Keep an eye on him, offer your support and love, and most importantly be patient with him. Okay?"

"Yeah....okay. I just want the old Clay back is all."

"He's there, Justin. I promise you he is. If you need anything else, call me right away. Okay?"

"Okay....thanks, doc."

"My pleasure, Justin...thanks for calling."

 

**********

 

Meanwhile, Clay was texting Sheri:

 **Handsome Guy:** _Hey_

 **Princess:** _Hi!!!_

 **Handsome Guy:** _How's it going? What're you up to?_

 **Princess:** _It's good...going shopping with my grandma today...how about you? I miss you!!_

 **Handsome Guy:**   _I'm kinda having a rough day. One of "those" days....you know?_

 **Princess:** _Oh no. Clay, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to call, we can talk?_

 **Handsome Guy:** _I'm with Justin....he's helping. We're gonna go for a run. How about we call tonight?_ **  
**

**Princess:**   _Okay. But if you need to call before, please do. Okay? I miss you very much and I love you so so much...._

 **Handsome Guy:** _I miss you too. I love you too, so very much. I can't wait to see you at the end of the week. I'll call you tonight after dinner. Love you._

"Ready?" Justin asked as he came over to the car.

"Yeah. Everything okay with Jess?"

"Yep...all good."

 

**********

 

 _Sometimes it tries to kid me_  
_That it's just a teddy bear_  
_Or even somehow manage_  
_To vanish in the air_  
_Then that is when I must beware_

 

They ran around the neighborhood and then over to Eisenhower Park, and were on the third lap around it when Justin tapped Clay's arm.

"Dude," he said, out of breath, "let's take a break...yeah? I need some water..."

Clay nodded and changed direction to the water fountains, where they stopped and each drank from one, deeply.

"Man," Justin said, panting now, "you're really getting fast. I'm serious man....you really ought to try out for cross-country in August."

Clay lifted his shirt and wiped some sweat off of his face and proceeded to walk away from Justin, over to one of the hills that dotted the park.

"Okay...or you don't have to try out...it's just a suggestion...."

"Do you really think things aren't my fault?"

 _Okay....back to this again,_ Justin thought to himself.

"No, Clay...I don't. You didn't ask for any of this stuff to happen to you or to our friends...shit just happens sometimes...."

"Well, _fuck_ that Justin!" Clay said, turning to look at him. "I know I didn't ask for any of this to happen, but you know what? It. Did. And it _hurts_. And what hurts the most is...." Clay stopped, almost struggling to find the words.

"What, Clay?" Justin asked.

"I...I couldn't stop it. Or fix it."

"Clay, can I tell you something?"

"What."

"When you did all that with the tapes, and then the trial, for Hannah....do you remember what Zach said to you in the clubhouse? He said he was a coward and you weren't. He was right. I know I gave you shit at first and I was so pissed at you, but when it came down to it....everything you did took a hell of a lot of balls, man. I don't think I could've done what you did then....fuck, I'm not so sure I could do it now. But I do know one thing for sure."

"What's that."

"That all of us, our Scooby Gang...we're all together because of _you_. And yeah, all the bad shit that you went through was awful. But....I want you to think for a minute about where we are right now, all of us. You have Sheri, Jess and I are getting along better than we ever have I think, Alex and Cyrus are together, Zach is really happy....dude, it's all because of you, bro."

Clay sighed and sat on the grass. "I just wish I didn't feel like this sometimes."

"I know," Justin sat next to him. "But...you're here...the Gang is together...and these are good things."

"I guess."

"They are. Trust me."

"Why?"

"Because I'm your brother. And you're my best friend."

 

**********

 

Later that evening, Clay had called Sheri as promised, and was open about his day and what he felt and what he did with Justin to try and help. While he wasn't back to feeling one hundred percent, it was a little better than it was when the day had started. He even felt up to playing some video games with Justin before calling it a night.

"Hey," Justin asked after he had changed into his sleeping pants and a t-shirt. "How about I sleep in here with you tonight." He had his own bedroom now, but every so often would crash on the couch in Clay's room, typically after a late night with their friends or after a double date.

"You don't have to do that," Clay replied as he was changing clothes.

"I know I don't have to. I want to."

"Yeah...okay. Actually...."

"What?"

"I'd....kinda like that."

"No problem, man," Justin smiled.

When the little black dog came to visit, sometimes he could be a raging beast of a mutt. Other times, a puppy. Today, thankfully, it had been a puppy. But, even puppy days could be hard on him, physically and emotionally. One day, perhaps very soon, he would learn how to teach that little black dog some tricks of his own, and even keep it at bay, or at the very least, make him heel. That day was, he hoped, getting closer. Until then, Clay knew deep down that he was loved and he loved in return, even if it was so difficult at times to recognize it, and that while he might second guess his past actions, he also knew deep down that they made him who he was. The feelings _did_ suck, and they _did_ hurt. And when the little black dog barked, it could be loud.

And yet...

Tomorrow was another day. The sun would rise. And there was the promise of a better day ahead.

"Hey, Justin?" he asked after getting into bed.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. For listening today. Sorry if I was..."

"Hey. You don't have to apologize," Justin explained as he situated himself on the couch and pulled the blanket over him. "You never have to apologize for the way you feel. Not to me."

"Okay. Hey...I love you big bro."

"I love you too, little bro. Get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."

 

**********

 

_See? Now that wasn't too awful today, now was it?_

Hey, you started it.

_Did not!_

Did too.

_Well. Whatever. We're really lucky to have that shithead in our life, huh?_

Very.

_And Sheri._

Definitely.

_And mom and dad. And Alex and Cyrus. And Jess. And Tony and Caleb. And Zach. And..._

Okay, okay. I get it.

_Yeah? What do you get?_

That in spite of everything....I'm one lucky son of a bitch.

_Smartest thing you've said all day. Go to sleep, Clay. G'nite._

Good night, Clay.

 

 

 _Of the beast in me_  
_That everybody knows_  
_They've seen him out dressed in my clothes_  
_Patently unclear_  
_If it's New York or New Year_  
_God help the beast in me_  
_The beast in me_

-from "The Beast in Me," by Nick Lowe

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, and thank you for reading this one-shot everyone. This fits into and is almost a sequel to 'Demons,' which was very well received. I hope you enjoyed this one as well.
> 
> In 2009, I was diagnosed with relapsing/recurring depression and general anxiety disorder. It took me awhile to figure out something was wrong and that I could use some help. Just like Winston Churchill, I call it the Little Black Dog. He never fully goes away for good, but life is so, so much better now than nearly ten years ago. This video came out in 2012 and helps explain a lot: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc
> 
> If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or suicidal ideation, please know that people really do care and are out there to help. The world is a far, far better place with you in it. In the United States, please visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or search for a website or hotline in your home country. 
> 
> As always I appreciate your kudos, comments, and feedback, and I look forward to your thoughts on this one. Stay tuned, as Clay and Justin will return in A Maze of Moments, Chapter 21, coming soon! See you there!


End file.
